I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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