im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
