wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
