So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
