i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
