If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
