I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
