It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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