I'm so fucking centered right now
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
