You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
