What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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