Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
it's like iHOP with fire
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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