this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
