true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
