They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
