I wish I could teleport
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
