my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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