so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
