Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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