I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
