I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
