She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
false alarm, still single
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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