i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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