your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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