Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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