When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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