I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
