cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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