I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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