made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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