my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
