You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
