I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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