i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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