I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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