I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
