Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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