Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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