If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Send help, water and tortillas.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
