20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
