What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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