I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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