I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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