I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
