Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize