There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
