you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
