it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
