does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize