Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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