I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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