you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
