you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
